Here we are, one year later. I survived a year of firsts…first Christmas, first birthday, first Easter, first everything without you. I’ve been slaying each dragon as it approaches. Doing whatever I had to just to get through it, past it. It’s only been a year, but it feels like a lifetime. Maybe because of all the changes I see in myself. Learning how to navigate a world that is so much darker without you in it. I’ve learned to let myself cry when I need to. I’m learning how to navigate the sea of emotions that sometimes flood my senses out of the blue.

I feel like I’ve aged so many years in just this one. I feel like I lost part of who I was…I was your daughter and now you’re gone. I’ve been an adult for a while now, but there is a certain maturity that happens when you lose your mom. It is a bizarre phenomenon. One may be an adult, but there is a true transformation when you become an adult without a parent. It’s difficult to put in to words- even more difficult to experience.

I was so concerned that your loss would change me. Scared even. Worried I would lose the parts of me that I value most- my joy-my childlike adoration of nature’s beauty- my sensitive heart and giving spirit. Your loss has changed me in so many ways. I’m still who I was- but different. And the truth is: I don’t even care.

So, I’ll keep fighting the dragons. I look to the future and see so many on the horizon. There are rough seas ahead, but you’ve taught me how to survive. I’ve done just that- survived a year of firsts. I am a strong woman that was raised by a strong woman. She gave me roots to keep me grounded and wings to fly. Nothing I face can be as hard as losing you. I survived.

Copyright © Kelly Hobbs 2023